Wednesday, June 25, 2014

You’re only as sick as your secrets...

Let’s have a real talk moment ….

In all honestly, I feel like a steaming pile of poo (sorry). I’ve been struggling the last couple months, primarily because I’ve been dealing with a lot of “life issues” – but most of them have been brought on by others. I put myself, as a priority, on the backburner … and that’s where things went wrong. I've been reverting back to old bad habits. Pre-gamming dinner, taste testing things, not eating breakfast on weekends, eating my emotions or feelings, eating just crap, eating out of the cabinet instead of eating food-food, a bad meal turning into a bad day/week, eating well because I have a mouth to put things in, eating sneakily (because at 30 you act like a 12 year old - sigh). To top it off I feel disgusting, I feel huge, and I feel ashamed.  And … I don’t like feeling this way because these are feelings I haven’t had pertaining to myself in over 4 ½ years.

I had surgery April 2013 and for SIX months I could barely move. I couldn't exercise; I could barely walk or lift anything because somehow I woke up from abdominal surgery with a neck and shoulder issue. For six months I was basically told "don't count points! Don't try to lose weight! You're healing your body - focus on Protein! Focus on getting better." For the first few weeks (I was in the hospital a week) and after coming home I didn’t count points. I drank protein shakes and ate what I could handle ... but I wasn't strict or saying I don’t want that (as I normally would say).  After that, I then started counting points but I allowed myself to have some of my weeklies as my protein shakes were a little higher in “points.” Then again during that time… I wasn't eating junk either.

After the initial 6-month period I was told I could try exercise and I did ... and quickly hurt myself so I had to back off, nurse the injury and once I was able to get back at it I had to really watch myself. The exercise part, to this day, I still have to modify to what I can handle. But the eating is something that I've willy nillied for a while and I'm finding it's so much easier to eat OFF plan than ON. I struggle with dealing with other people's bullshit (that I let effect me) ... and I'm tired of it. I don't like the gain train; so I'm throwing out my boarding pass and taking a one way ticket to Loserville.

Thursday (tomorrow) is a new week (on Weigh Watchers) for me and I'm going back to basics. I need to figure out meals and have them handy and I just want control back.  Since I work full-time I’m going to meal prep Sunday and Wednesday’s so it takes the guess-work out of things. I’ll prepare a meal plan for the week and work from that. I want to feel like the girl who’s unstoppable. I need to spark that little inner voice that says “yes, I can” while having a little inner voice who tells me “that’s not worth it.”

I’ve already got the right feet forward because my lunch and breakfast is all set for tomorrow and my dinner only involves heating it up.  I’ve got eggs boiled, shelled and on hand in the refrigerator. While I’m heating up my dinner tomorrow, I’ll put together breakfast and lunch for the following day. I’ll make it part of my nightly routine … and I’ll show MYSELF that I can do it again.

One day a time right?