You’re only as sick as your secrets...

Let’s have a real talk moment ….

In all honestly, I feel like a steaming pile of poo (sorry). I’ve been struggling the last couple months, primarily because I’ve been dealing with a lot of “life issues” – but most of them have been brought on by others. I put myself, as a priority, on the backburner … and that’s where things went wrong. I've been reverting back to old bad habits. Pre-gamming dinner, taste testing things, not eating breakfast on weekends, eating my emotions or feelings, eating just crap, eating out of the cabinet instead of eating food-food, a bad meal turning into a bad day/week, eating well because I have a mouth to put things in, eating sneakily (because at 30 you act like a 12 year old - sigh). To top it off I feel disgusting, I feel huge, and I feel ashamed.  And … I don’t like feeling this way because these are feelings I haven’t had pertaining to myself in over 4 ½ years.

I had surgery April 2013 and for SIX months I could barely move. I couldn't exercise; I could barely walk or lift anything because somehow I woke up from abdominal surgery with a neck and shoulder issue. For six months I was basically told "don't count points! Don't try to lose weight! You're healing your body - focus on Protein! Focus on getting better." For the first few weeks (I was in the hospital a week) and after coming home I didn’t count points. I drank protein shakes and ate what I could handle ... but I wasn't strict or saying I don’t want that (as I normally would say).  After that, I then started counting points but I allowed myself to have some of my weeklies as my protein shakes were a little higher in “points.” Then again during that time… I wasn't eating junk either.

After the initial 6-month period I was told I could try exercise and I did ... and quickly hurt myself so I had to back off, nurse the injury and once I was able to get back at it I had to really watch myself. The exercise part, to this day, I still have to modify to what I can handle. But the eating is something that I've willy nillied for a while and I'm finding it's so much easier to eat OFF plan than ON. I struggle with dealing with other people's bullshit (that I let effect me) ... and I'm tired of it. I don't like the gain train; so I'm throwing out my boarding pass and taking a one way ticket to Loserville.

Thursday (tomorrow) is a new week (on Weigh Watchers) for me and I'm going back to basics. I need to figure out meals and have them handy and I just want control back.  Since I work full-time I’m going to meal prep Sunday and Wednesday’s so it takes the guess-work out of things. I’ll prepare a meal plan for the week and work from that. I want to feel like the girl who’s unstoppable. I need to spark that little inner voice that says “yes, I can” while having a little inner voice who tells me “that’s not worth it.”

I’ve already got the right feet forward because my lunch and breakfast is all set for tomorrow and my dinner only involves heating it up.  I’ve got eggs boiled, shelled and on hand in the refrigerator. While I’m heating up my dinner tomorrow, I’ll put together breakfast and lunch for the following day. I’ll make it part of my nightly routine … and I’ll show MYSELF that I can do it again.

One day a time right?

The Power of Pre-planning Weekly Meals

Pre-planning is something I’ve done for a very long time. But typically when I pre-plan, I’m planning for the day ahead. For instance, on Monday I would plan for Tuesday, Tuesday I would plan for Wednesday, etc. It helps because it takes the guessing out of the day (while also helping me to decline temptation) … but I find in my case it only helps if my world has a natural routine to it.

Lately my routines have been thrown into a tailspin. My day starts off normal, but by the afternoon my entire day is shook up and I’m running around until 8:30/9pm at night. That alone makes things difficult and for a few weeks was totally throwing me off my “game.”  My preplanned meals slowly became a distant memory and grabbing food on the go was what I found myself doing. It took about two weeks, but I realized that I had lost the focus on myself. I was putting my successes on hold while I dealt with others lives. Which at the end of the day isn’t and wasn’t fair because I need to be my number one priority.

Over the course of four years I’ve learned when my world is shaken up that I need to build as much structure as I can because it makes things easier on me. It brings on focus, awareness and it eliminates any possibility for guessing and diminishes the attractiveness of temptation. It really helps in steering me away from pulling through a fast food restaurants drive-thru or picking up a pizza. Seeing a meal plan on paper allows me to look at my calendar and see where days are anticipated to be busier. In that event, I can prepare a meal for the following day to have a “grab and go” available in the refrigerator.

A weekly planned menu also allows me to look back at my week to note if I felt hungry, satisfied, or even bored with a particular meal. It makes me aware of what I’m eating, or even what I really enjoy (such as my banana oatmeal which I could eat 3-times a day and not get sick of – at least for now). I can also look at a week and see where perhaps I could switch things up and even add more “power foods” into the routine.  Granted with my Weight Watchers tracker I can look back at my week, but I use the online tracker which isn’t quite as “in your face” as a paper tracker.

One of the other positive sides of pre-planning a weekly menu is you can use up items in your cabinet, freezer and refrigerator.

4 Year Healthiversary

4 years ago today, I decided I had enough. I was tired of hiding myself from the world, tired of punishing myself for being overweight, tired of being embarrassed to go to buy clothing merely because I had outgrown the clothes I had.  I was even more tired of being embarrassed to go out to eat because I’d always have to question if I’d be able to fit into the booth, or if the table could be pushed out so I could fit comfortably, or if people would watch my every move.. I was mortified to hear people whisper about my size or little kids look at me with wide eyes because I was so vastly overweight.

I knew I was overweight, I knew the world knew I as overweight. My family would try to gently approach the subject hoping it might push me in the right direction to put my health on the front burner instead of leaving it on the back one. But until you yourself want to make a change, it won’t happen.

I personally decided that I had to do something about my health and possibly impending health problems, so I found a local Weight Watchers meeting and walked in around 5:10pm on Thursday, February 25, 2010 and signed up. I knew I could lose weight (I was a WW member in the past) and I certainly knew I could try new things ... but did I know I would lose 180+ pounds after 4 years? I didn't. And that certainly amazes me every single day.

I'm proof that if you want something for YOURSELF bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to get there. Is my journey done? Am I at my goal weight? No, it’s not and I'm not ... but I do know I will get there in time. This isn't a race, there is no finish line, and there are only milestones and goals to achieve. It certainly isn’t always easy, and there are times that things get real rough … but it is undoubtedly worth it in the end.

Goodbye 2013 … Welcome 2014!

With a new year among us there are many resolutions flowing and being shared amongst those of us who are on social media outlets.  Whatever your resolution/wish/goal is for 2014 I wish you happiness, success and a beautiful & cherished 2014.

What is my resolution? Well … I don’t make resolutions because in my mind a resolution is a rule and rules are made to be broken.  So I make promises to myself. I also make goals for myself to aim at conquering.

2013 had me at a very long standstill for a while (having surgery, ending up in physical therapy and on doctor ordered restrictions from doing really anything). That 6-month roller coaster aside, I ended 2013 on a high note – I’ve been back at the gym, going to my beloved zumba class at least 2 times a week, usually 3.  I eased into it slowly, doing what I could. I’ve been working out with some weight machines and last week I did my first total body workout class before zumba. I was so sore and could barely move for a few days, but I’m feeling better and can’t wait to smash another total body class on Saturday morning.

 

One high-note that I ended 2013 on was I went shopping at Kohl’s because I had some Kohl’s Cash to spend. I found a pair of jeans and decided to try them on. I find shopping for jeans can be a pain because my waist is one size, but my behind is another. I’ve been wearing 12’s for over 4-months now, so I pulled on a pair of size 10 jeans and THEY FIT! I was elated! They FIT PERFECTLY!  I’ve been doing a tango with the scale for weeks – for a while my weight was continuing to go up and up and up due to a medication I was taking. This just showed that regardless of whatever the scale says, hard work will pay off and show in other ways. Obviously, I’m losing inches thanks to my work at the gym … so I’ll take a non-scale victory any day! Speaking of losing inches ... I should start measuring myself.

Now as for 2014 …I want to make 2014 the healthiest year for me!

I am aiming at hitting my goal weight this year. It’s been a long time coming, I deserve it and I’m going to give it my all to get there.  Now that I can use the gym as a tool to help me get there, I’m going to use that to my best advantage. There isn’t a secret to losing weight – it’s just a lot of hard work and dedication. I also realize that sometimes the scale will not be my “friend” so I’m going to focus more on how I feel (physically), how I felt my week went and if everything I did/ate was accounted for. If I’ve been dotting my I’s and crossing my T’s, I’m going to hope for the best but I’m also going to realize that sometimes the scale doesn’t reflect a good week and I will not let that get me sidetracked or down.  I also need to realize that I'm technically paying to look like this (meaning my monthly Weight Watchers membership, my ActiveLink and my gym membership) so eliminating one of those monthly payments in itself can help be a driving force to hit my goal weight.

Another goal of mine is to try to watch and perhaps even limit my snacking. I love snacks, always have, but I want to have only 1 or 2 healthier/low point snacks on hand at a time. Over the past 2 months I’ve slowly been depleting the snack stock by putting stuff out with company comes over, offering it out, giving it away, etc. I realize I live with others who eat what they want, but since I do primarily most of the grocery shopping I want to only purchase what’s requested not any “oh I think he’d like these” type of items. Truthfully I’d like to make my snacks healthier alternatives – onion & chive cottage cheese with crackers/pita chips, hummus with vegetables or pita chips, greek yogurt with fruit, deli ham rolled up with pieces of pickle, and I think it’s time to reintroduce sugar free jello back into my life.

I’m also looking into giving Weight Watchers Simple Start (Simply Filling) program a shot. To hold myself accountable, I think I’m going to follow the program BUT I’m going to track/weigh/measure everything out.  There was 1 week in 2013 where I was house sitting and followed a relatively simply filling sort of lifestyle. I didn’t have snacks on deck; I only had fruits, vegetables, lean meats and grains on hand. I was satisfied and lost a good amount of weight that week. The program would also kick my adoration for sugar and carbs.

As always I'm focused on maintaining positivity this year. Trying new things and pushing myself to branch out of my comfort zone more and more.

Here’s to making 2014 one of the best years of our lives!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Facial Transformation

When people tell me they didn't even recognize me ... I now know why. I resemble the same person, or as I’ve been told “You look vaguely familiar…”

After seeing this side-by-side comparison, I can now see why some give me a triple take because they're not quite sure if I am who they think I may be!

The difference between the photos? 3-years.

The similarities between the photos? Same girl. Same type of car selfie ;).

Taking accountability for my actions

I attend my Weight Watchers meeting every week and every week I always weigh in. And if I can’t make it to my meeting, I find another location that either is hosting a meeting at a time I can attend OR I find a location I can go to just to weigh-in to have that accountability for the week.  Now I realize I can go into my meeting, think “gee I had a horrible week, I don’t want to weigh in” and I can choose to not weigh in that week.  I have never explored this option before because for me, personally, if I don’t weigh-in I feel that’s a way to be dishonest with myself and pretending the week before didn’t happen.

After the past week, I knew the majority of it was “off plan” as I was having a pity party.  I felt a little puffier and I knew I had gained, but I didn’t know how much. In my mind, I gained 5+ pounds.  Part of me truly didn’t want to know the damage and for a sheer second I considered not weighing in tonight. I got out of my car, walked into my meeting, put my stuff down on my chair, went to the bathroom (pre-weigh-in ritual) and decided to suck it up and step on the scale. I asked the receptionist weighing me in to not tell me the damage and she didn’t. I saw my weight pop up on the screen and was surprised, it wasn’t that bad!

Truth be told, I gained 2.4 pounds this past week on my pity party. 2.4 pounds! Truly that amount is not that bad and certainly not as bad as I imagined it. I didn’t want to explore the option of not weighing in because that would become an “out” for me and I don’t need any outs in my journey.  Honesty and owning up is the best policy. Not being aware of the “damage” could have essentially caused me to continue the vicious cycle.

My meeting was influential and I learned a good chunk. There are four people in my meeting who recently got laid off in the last 2-weeks … I’m not alone. I realize there are people all over the world/state who are unemployed and/or getting laid off. But as a very powerful and informative lifetimer in my meeting said to me in conversation: it’s up to me to decide how I want to spend my time, how I want to eat my food and what I want to do in a day.

My day was preplanned yesterday and Friday, most of Saturday and half of Sunday are already prelanned.  I’m also planning on going back to the gym – slow and steady because this is my life, my journey and I deserve to get to goal!

Dealing with change & being accountable

“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.” - Viktor E. Franklin

I’m going to be completely honest. I strongly dislike change. I realize change is a natural progression in life … but I’ve never been a big fan of it. It steps in and shakes up my world and sets me off kilter. Some aspects of change (change of plans, etc.) in a daily life don’t throw me off balance as much as a huge change (loss of a job, start of a new job, etc.)

I have been out of work for some time nursing a shoulder injury. After getting approval from my doctors to go back to work – I submitted all my paperwork to find out on Monday morning that while I was out on medical leave, my position had been back-filled and I was now out of a job and gainfully unemployed. Not quite where I wanted to be or imagined myself being.  I admit it was a thought that crossed my mind (thanks to Google searches) – but I thought "noo".

Now I realize the situation (being home) has not changed, but the situation I developed in my mind has completely gone askew.  I was getting back into the mindset of being back at work – packing all my foods and bringing them with me, getting meals planned out so dinner could be put together and eaten at a reasonable hour, being around friends and coworkers who I haven’t seen, etc.  After the phone call I received, my entire world felt like it had been shaken up.

I’m not angry. I’m not sad. I guess I’m a little indifferent but I do feel that as one door closes another opens to bigger and better opportunities. Now it’s just to put the time in to find those bigger and better opportunities which I know are out there.  This of course adds a little bit of added stress: money constraints, frustration, health insurance concerns, etc. I realize things will work out for the best with time but sometimes it’s the waiting that is a little aggravating.

So I’ve been doing the whole unemployment thing – signing up for unemployment, attending seminars, searching for jobs, networking, etc.  In the overall spectrum, simple tasks – but since it’s so much change at once it’s got me in a bit of a funk. But I find myself comforting myself with food, making poor food choices, eating too late at night, etc. It’s almost like a pity party for Shannon at table one.  And I know that I’m doing it – I’m fully conscious but I’m doing it anyway.

It’s not a good thing to be doing.  And I’m feeling well, like crap (due to the foods I’ve been eating), I would think that would push me back into the celebrate Shannon mind-frame.  But like I’ve always said it’s truly mind over matter and I’ve got to work at getting my mind back and focused on me. Eating, consciously or subconsciously isn’t going to cure anything and it’s not going to make anything better. It’s up to ME and ME only to make things better … and I’ve got to get back to working on me. I’ve also got to get myself back to the gym – slow and steady, especially since I haven’t been to the gym in a long time due to my shoulder injury.

I guess I’m saying … I really need my meeting this week. I need that fresh start – a fresh new week to focus on me and make better choices and be a better version of myself each day.  I’ve got my week menu in the process of getting planned out. It’s up to me to turn this “tragedy” into a triumph.  This week long pity party cannot continue. I won’t let it continue … I can’t.  I’ve also got to learn how to cope with change – I’ve learned many things along this weaving road in my journey, and this is one that I’m going to have to do some work with.

Plus to be honest, there are some foods I’ve eaten that I wouldn’t mind NOT seeing again for a while …. So bring on the lean meats, fruits and vegetables! I’m strapping my big girl boots back on and I plan on lacing them up real tight.

There’s no room for looking back or “just in case”

From the moment I started dropping clothing sizes on my weight loss journey, I began the process of purging attire that no longer fit.  I’ve always had the mentality of if it doesn’t fit there’s no use in keeping it around because I don’t need it anymore.  Yes, I don’t need it because I don’t ever plan on getting back to the size I was when I started, nor do I plan on getting up to a size I just moved out of.

The first time I went through my clothing, I felt a sense of liberation.  I still get that feeling when I sort through my clothing and pull out what no longer fits. Doing this not only provides me the space I need for my clothing, but it allows me to really see all that is in my current wardrobe. It allows me to pull out pieces I may not like, or it gives me a sense of what I really need or what I do not need to purchase.

The first time I began sorting through my clothing it was 6X and 5X clothing. I piled those into black garbage bags and delivered them to friends and families houses that could use the clothing.  Whatever was not needed I donated to the local Salvation Army. It moved on from there for every size – donating, giving to friends and family, selling items that were new with tags on them, etc.

Two weekends ago I went through and passed on my XL and many of my Large shirts.  I also passed on my size 14 jeans.  I have a few pairs of 12’s that I can wear because they’re more “stretchy jean” than real jean fabric jeans. Thankfully at the same time, my aunt passed on some size 10 jeans so I now won’t have to buy any.  All around – hooray for finding new homes for clothing!

I don’t ever plan on gaining the weight I lost back, not even a bit, so I don’t feel it’s necessary to hold onto clothing for those “just in case” moments because those aren’t an option. It’s not even a thought or a potential destination.  I’ve come so far to turn and look back – it’s all open road ahead of me!

Hello … my name is Shannon

Hello.  My name is Shannon and I’m a self-proclaimed Carboholic.  I also am attracted to things with the word “New” on them.  The “New” thing doesn’t get me into trouble as much as carbs do.  Okay, so not even carbs of all kinds … I’m most importantly talking about, bread!

I love bread. Always have. Bread, like almost any child, is a staple from a very early age. Toast, peanut butter and jelly, sandwiches, French toast, etc.  They all begin with bread.  Three of these were introduced to me as a child, minus, peanut butter and jelly.  Yes, I had my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my teenage years (I want to say I was 15 or 16 ) and I had it out of sheer curiosity. I know! When I say this to people I get sideways glances. But truth be told, I just never really wanted one … I mean as a child in my mind peanut butter was meant to be eaten on crackers, not bread!

I remember my mom coming home with a fresh stick of hot Italian bread from the local bakery. The smell would draw me (and my nose) in.  I would eat it either plan or with butter on it. To this day, if someone has a stick of hot bread in their house I’m going to sniff it out. I’m like a hound dog – it’s crazy. And it drives me absolutely insane when my local grocery store takes the fresh bread out of the oven because I swear they pump that smell through the ventilation system. My stomach starts growling and suddenly I want to make subs for dinner. Forget the groceries in the cart, subs! That’s when I breathe through my mouth and quickly find my way to the checkout aisle – sans stick of hot bread.

Since starting my weight loss journey I’ve sideways tackled the bread obsession. If I do have bread, its light bread, light wheat or multigrain slims. I buy pita bread from the local Lebanese bakery if I want pita bread – or I buy the wheat flax pita from the grocery store.  I admit the breads that I buy for myself aren’t a trigger for me. I don’t love light white bread.  BUT what I found this past week was that I subconsciously reach for bread to incorporate with meals that I may not necessarily need with a meal.

For instance, the week before last I was out of my element dog/cat/house sitting for my aunt and uncle while they were on vacation. Due to this I had to pre-plan every meal to a T. My usual staples weren’t at my fingertips so I had to eat what I brought with me.  Looking back at that week I was kind of subconsciously following the simply filling technique by eating more power foods (see here), and found I was satisfied and full after meals. If I had bread, it was a multigrain slim or light bread and it was with one meal – either with my egg salad or with a hamburger, etc. at dinner.  That week when I stepped on the scale my reward was a pretty hefty loss (nearly 5 pounds).  I was shocked.

Fast forward to going back home, being in my element and eating the way I tend to eat at home. I realized I wasn’t as satisfied as I was the week prior. By 5-days in, I felt I was a little bit bloated. Looking back at my week there were some days where I had a sandwich for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and I may have had a piece of bread to go along with dinner. I also wasn’t having my fruit salad as my nightly snack as I was the week prior.  It was definitely a learning lesson and one that has made me create a goal for myself this week.

My goal this week (as the weeks to follow) is to be more conscious when making choices surrounding bread. I want to try to have 1 serving of bread a day, but I’m not going to be overly strict on myself because I don’t like rules. I break rules. But I am going to question myself “Do I need to eat this as a sandwich?” and if the answer is no, I’m going to try it without the bread and see how I like it. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I honestly like bread, I like sandwiches and I’ve lost weight eating them. But I’m trying to make healthier choices for myself. If I skip on the bread, I could provide my body with more protein at dinner or at lunch. Which means being satisfied longer … and that’s what I’m aiming for.

QUESTION:

So what is one goal you’ve set for yourself this week or month?

Fat my whole life…

My weight has been a constant battle since the age of 4 or 5. In the above picture, I want to say I was anywhere between the age of 11-13 and in the 6^th or 7th grade – of course the photograph on the right is me a few weeks ago. Considering I have been overweight practically my entire life, I know the emotional torment. I know how it feels to be teased and made fun of. I know how it feels to feel hopeless and helpless.

Early on in life, I learned how to cope with food. I would eat when I was happy, sad, angry, hurt, etc.  I also learned that if someone made food for me, it was a way of them expressing their love for me – so I had to eat it.  My grandmother watched me for my parents while they were at work and she would ask me what I would like to eat that day. Regardless of what I told her, the food was delivered – and in abundance. If I wanted French toast, magically pile upon pile of French toast would be delivered to the kitchen table.  The same followed suit with any other foods my grandmother would cook – potato pancakes, fried eggplant, grilled cheese, etc., etc.

I learned that food was a means of celebration. Food (whether made for someone or being consumed) made people happy! As I got older, I then learned how to suppress my feelings with food. If someone said something to me that I didn’t like, I turned to food for comfort, to put a band-aid on my “boo-boo”. Food was and had become, essentially my best friend. Food never judged me. Food never told me “you shouldn’t eat that”, food never snickered behind my back, and food never did anything to “hurt” me.

I was also (and still kind of am) a picky eater. I did not and don’t eat certain foods. My parents always cooked – they’d only order out on Friday or Saturday.  It was never really a matter of what they were cooking; it was merely a matter of portion size.  I had my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 17 simply because I wanted to try it.  I admit, I was rather spoiled because if I refused to eat dinner I’d whine and whine and whine until, my mother (my father wouldn’t give in) would take me out to get my favorite food as a child – a hamburger from a fast food restaurant.

The cycle continued and into my teenage years, I developed a habit of having dinner before dinner. By this I mean eating something “quick” at a fast food establishment (usually hamburgers, tacos, etc.) before going home to eat the dinner that my parents prepared.

Fast forward into my adult life and I simply continued doing what I knew: emotional eating, eating dinner before dinner, eating in abundance, and merely eating just to eat because I’m also a boredom eater.  I don’t look back at my life and wonder how I ever got to nearly 400 pounds.  Sometimes I wonder how I wasn’t more than that.  For decades, I had a pair of blinders perfectly cemented over my eyes, which didn’t allow me to see what I didn’t want to see.  Me.

Before joining Weight Watchers in February 2010, I was able to remove the blinders and see myself for the first time. I, the emotional and boredom eater, was able to grasp hold of her life and decide that I needed to be healthy and happy. So far, it's been the best decision I have ever made.  I needed to do a lot of work – physically and emotionally, and I am still working on myself today. Old habits die hard and sometimes those old habits or feelings can creep back up – but it’s up to me to decide how I am going to deal with them.  This isn’t an overnight revelation; it takes work – days and even years.  I found it takes a little digging deep down inside to find out why I do certain things.  Talking about them, getting things off my chest to an unbiased individual made it so much easier.  It’s not always fun diving headfirst into the deep stuff – but once you do, it gets easier and a weight begins to get lifted.

The difference in me today versus me years ago (and truthfully my whole life pre-weight loss journey), is that I have control and I know what I need to do to make my lifestyle livable. I’m still a work in progress. I’m not perfect; there isn’t a single person on the planet that is (well … aside from my beloved fictional Mary Poppins). I’m still learning every day – things about myself, about life and just things in general.  As I always say it may not always be easy … but it’s worth it.

190+ pounds gone but not forgotten because I never want to become that girl again ... and I won't because I have control of my life now.

Positive thinking brings positive results

One thing I learned early on into my weight loss journey as that as the old saying goes Positive thinking brings positive results!  As cliché as it might sound, it’s so very true.  The moment you can change your thinking, you can change your life. This saying has become such a staple in my life that I actually have a mini dry erase board behind my bedroom door with it written on it – so I see it daily as a gentle reminder.

At the beginning of my journey, the first 2-3 weeks were the hardest. It was a new routine; I had to be conscious of what I was eating.  Grocery shopping became a 1+ hour ordeal, instead of a quick dash and grab routine.  I actually had to give thought about what I wanted to eat, and then I had to figure out what the points were for those items that I wanted to eat.  It can seem a little overbearing and stressful but if you remember why you originally started this journey it makes all those things not so bad.

As I progressed in my journey, I found whenever I thought negatively (which was all the time – I was VERY negative) everything was harder. Nothing was easy, I’d get frustrated easily – but the one thing I can say is I never gave up.  The first 2-weeks were the hardest … declining temptations (like all you can eat cookies, cakes and snacks in the kitchenette at work), sticking with what I brought to work for lunch instead of ordering out on Friday (or in my pre-Weight Watchers day 2-3 times a work week), and eating portion sizes of foods instead of my normal “all you can eat” mentality.

After losing my first roughly 80 pounds, I felt more comfortable in my skin.  I had more energy and I felt comfortable enough to go to the gym.  I admit when I first walked into the gym to walk on the treadmill (I had been an active gym member years prior but as I packed on more weight I simply stopped going) I felt like everyone was looking at me thinking look at that one….  In reality, nobody was looking at me, but in my self conscious mind I turned my step into getting healthier into a negative experience.  It took me until my third trip to the gym to realize that no one was looking at me; everyone was too busy doing their own thing to care.  There was no WWE announcer announcing, “And here’s Shannon, 300 pounds, entered the gym, on her stalk to the treadmill. Let’s get ready to rummmbbbllleeeeee!!!!”

The gym is a common place – people go there to get healthy (whether that be lose weight, build muscle, train for an event, or attend a class they enjoy).  Once I changed my attitude towards the gym, it made going to the gym so much easier.  Eventually I got a bit bored with the treadmill and decided to step WAY out of my comfort zone and I went to my first zumba class.  I stood in the back mind you because I was the new kid in town and had no idea what I was doing. After dancing like a fool (I was legitimately born with two left dancing feet) I found I was really enjoying myself and I was sweating up a storm.  Even though I was very uncoordinated in the beginning and was off doing my own little versions of the steps, I learned I wasn’t concerned others were looking at me, because no one was. Sure there are mirrors on the walls, but no one can focus on the instructor bouncing around, focus on themselves bouncing around AND focus on me bouncing around.

In all reality, the instructor was the only one who paid me any attention.  They’re there to help you get a good workout but they also don’t want you to hurt yourself. I may have felt a little self conscious the first time the instructor came near me to show me the correct foot work (because it all starts at your feet), but she followed that up with a “great job” and I felt better about the experience.  The more I went to the classes, the more I picked up the routine and it eventually got to the point that I felt like a superstar and like I could help lead the class (in my mind – haha).  I taught myself, by training my brain, that the gym was a safe place and it was a place I didn’t have to be shy or make daunting.

I won’t say changing the way you think is a simple task, nor will I say it is something that you can change overnight.  It takes time, it takes work, but if you want it bad enough you’ll work towards that goal.  I find it was especially rewarding for me because once I began changing my attitude towards things and towards life, good things started happening.  The more my thoughts changed to a positive perspective, the happier I became (funny how that happens).

As my thinking began to change to a positive frame of mind, I began to pick up and recognize on the behavior of those around me. I quickly learned that if I was around someone who was genuinely negative I started to become negative.  Negativity is a vicious cycle, a leech, and it will latch onto anyone standing within arms reach.  Not liking the experiences I was becoming part of, I realized that perhaps it was best to remove myself from those situations.  That meant removing people from my life, distancing myself from certain people and remaining with those that were simply positive.  It is a difficult thing to do, but in the end, it had to be done.  At the end of the day, my happiness matters more than being around someone that brought me down.

Thinking positively isn’t always easy. It’s something that requires daily work because things happen. Stuff arises that we weren’t expecting and it may knock us upside the head and our immediate reaction may be a negative one. But the more positive I am, the easier it is to step back, take a breather and think “what can be thought positively about this situation?” Even in the darkest of situations, there is always some glimmer of positivity and if that glimmer is what’s focused on, things get bigger, better and above all easier.

Positivity has given me such a clearer and cleaner way of thinking. It’s provided me with endless possibilities. It’s allowed me to find happiness.  It’s allowed me to focus on me and filter out the toxicity I was surrounded by.  It’s given me encouragement during my weight loss journey because I’d look at how far I’ve come instead of throwing my hands in the air and saying “forget it” over something small.  It’s given me this ray of light from inside that makes me overall a happier person.  That in itself is rewarding because it truly shines on my face.

And without it … I would not be where I am today.

Why I don’t believe in cheat meals

“Cheat meals” is one of those phrases thrown around amongst folks who follow regimented plans (counting calories and only allowing X-amount of calories a day) and even folks who are on Weight Watchers.  I’ve never understood the concept of a cheat meal.  I’ve learned with Weight Watchers food is food and I can have ANYTHING I want as long as it’s in moderation and I correctly (or in the case of not being sure – guestimate [and I usually try to aim higher than lower just to be on the safe side] the points for it) the points plus values for it. I personally know the damage I could do in a day and I know that one day or even one meal of unaccountability would allow me to have multiple days of “ohhh I’ll be 100% good tomorrow.”  It’s just the way my mind works.  I’ll tell myself I’ll do better tomorrow and tomorrow comes, something out of the ordinary will happen and it’ll end up the next day.  The natural born procrastinator and stubborn teenager in me comes out, sticks her and extended fingers in the air and says “neener, neener, neener.”

Why don’t I believe in cheat meals?  Well, I believe in accountability and I know that life happens.  I wouldn’t be able to have a day where I don’t count points all day OR for a single meal and have a good week thereafter.  Life happens, unexpected plans arise and I would hate to be sent into panic mode if my pre-planned dinner of BBQ steak turned into Chinese food with the family.  I could see myself say “but I just ate this, that and the other on Sunday … I just, I can’t go.” Doing that a few times over would essentially make me throw in the towel because it would make portions of life unmanageable and I’d have to face the scale as it crept up and up and up.  I realize that there isn’t a solid meal on the planet that I cannot have.  I can have anything I want, anytime I want it, wherever I want it.  If I can’t find what I want at a restaurant, I can go to the grocery store and buy the ingredients and make it (or as closely to it) at home.

Am I completely 100% strict with my Weight Watchers meals? Of course not. Why? Because this is a lifestyle and there are things that I enjoy and without them I’d be miserable and would simply stomp my feet on the ground and give up (again, stubborn child coming out again).  I am a natural born snacker, always have been and probably always will be but I’m okay with that.  Why? Because I’ve learned that I can eat my favorite snacks, but I’m aware of portion sizes, points plus values and I know what is worth it for me.  It may not be worth it to everyone, but if it’s worth it for me, that makes me happy and makes the plan work for me - as it should for everyone.  For parties and events where I know point values for foods are higher than I’d normally consume, I am allowed 49 weekly points to allow myself to engage and enjoy myself without having any feelings of remorse or guilt.  The points are there and they are built into the plan to be used – but it’s up to each member to have their own system on how to use them, or if they are even going to.

Another reason I don’t believe in cheat meals is because I’ve calculated that in my pre-Weight Watchers life I could very easily eat 114 (more or a little less) points plus values IN A SINGLE DAY.  That 114 only includes breakfast, lunch and dinner and does not include any snacks, or extra goodies I may have consumed while at work or at a family event.  My coffee alone, pre-Weight Watchers was 8 points plus (to be honest, it’s more than 8 but I can’t figure out the exact points because I always ordered a large ice coffee with extra, EXTRA cream and sugar).  A day filled of “cheat” would send me into a literal free-for-all.  Nothing would be off limits. I’d eat things purely just to eat them. Not to enjoy them, but just because “I haven’t had that in a long time.”  That one day would cause me to pay for the rest of my week – needless to say I’d feel sick as a dog for 3-days afterwards.

I do go out to eat and when I know ahead of time I check the company’s website for nutritional information.  If I can’t find any, I look at their menu and try to decide what I want before we even get there.  Once I’ve decided I look up similar meals online, compare them and get the points plus values for that similar meal from a company that does offer nutritional information.  Granted, the ingredients may not always be the same so I do add a few extra points towards it to be on the safe side.  I rather estimate over than estimate under.

Eating out is a treat because I don’t do it very often. I’ve never been a big restaurant person – even pre-WW, so when I do eat at a restaurant it’s nice and it’s different  My “eating out” has typically always been fast food establishments and ordering pizza and sandwiches because it was quick, easy and generally on my way to whatever destination I was heading to.  I admit, being so far into my journey I do sometimes become a points plus value snob.  I look at something and think “I could make that at home for so many less points and I’d have so much more on my plate.”  I love to cook (which is completely a new thing to me because 3+ years ago I could make a pack of Ramen noodles and a frozen pizza and thought I was Chef Shannon).  I love to experiment with new dishes and new flavors, but what I love the most is taking some of my favorite dishes and cutting back on them, making them healthier and making them point friendlier.  All of these allowing me to be accountable and allow me to know exactly what I am putting in my mouth.  I'm not saying in order to be successful you need to cook your own meals, etc., I'm just saying that in order for me to be successful I need to be accountable to myself.  I need to find what works for me and what doesn't and always keep those in mind because old bad habits die hard and they can creep back up on me at any given moment.  I was overweight for 25+ years of my life and that mentality can creep back up on me and I just know the damage I could cause in one single un-tracked meal.  But I also know that once I'm "off plan" it takes about a week to get back on plan.

Needless to say cheat meals aren’t my thing. They never will be because they’ll only get me going in one direction… back peddling.

My personal philosophy around the psychology of weight loss

One thing that’s not always talked about with weight loss is how it’s not only a journey into finding health and wellness – but it’s also a journey that’s psychological and emotional. Now, I am not a clinical psychologist or anyone with a psychology background – I am simply a girl who has struggled with her weight her entire life (and I’m talking since I was 3 or 4).

I have lost weight countless times in the past, but I’ve learned in order to truly succeed and to stick with it is to work on the other factors that come along with weight loss.  The reason you started your journey alters as you continue down your path, your outlooks change, and your overall environment can and will change.

Weight loss is not only physical, but it's also emotional and psychological. Our bodies transform, our habits change, but our minds are the last thing to switch over and sometimes that switch can take years. I've learned that regardless of what my body may look like (in clothes, out of clothes, etc) I have to love myself for who I am. My body may not be perfect, but I have to remember where it's gotten me and what I've put it through when I was heavier. I try to remember where my legs have carried me, what my arms have lifted. If I focus on the positive, it makes it so much easier and so much more worth it.

For instance after my first nearly 100 pound weight loss, I could look in a mirror and still see myself as that nearly 400 pound girl when in reality I was anything but.  My brain hadn’t caught up with seeing the new me.  I determined to set my thoughts on positive thinking.  Negativity wasn’t and will not get me anywhere in life.  In fact negativity was the reason I was tipping the scale at nearly 400 pounds.  Everything was a downer; there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  I quickly learned that continuing with that mentality I was only going to hit a brick wall, throw my hands up and give up. I didn’t want to get to that point, so I began changing things slowly.  I tried to see the positive in all aspects – life, work, relationships, friends, family, etc.  Just because someone is having a bad day, it doesn’t mean that I have to let that affect me and my mood and I certainly didn’t need to eat over the frustration they were dealing with.  Over time I realized that if someone was affecting me in a negative way I had to remove myself from that relationship.  Negativity is a malicious disease and it can eat away at you and those around you before you know it.

I’m not saying you can train your brain to switch over in a week, or even a month – but I am saying it’s a gradual process and it takes time and it takes effort.  Finding someone who you can trust to talk to is a huge help – boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, friend, family.  If you can’t find that, there are many therapists out there who will listen to you speak and give you completely unbiased platform to express yourself and even provide unbiased advice, etc.

I admit there are still instances when clothes shopping that I find myself in the plus size section. It then clicks and I ask myself “Why am I over here?” and I move over to the other sections to browse for clothing.  I realize the reason why I sometimes end up in the plus size section is because for my entire pre-teen, teenage and adult life I’ve shopped in plus size sections exclusively so it’s what’s familiar.  Shopping in a juniors section or non-plus size section of a store is foreign to me – even after shopping in those sections for over a year.

It’s a journey, a one day at a time journey that coincides with your healthy lifestyle. Learn to love yourself (and if you can’t do it right now – fake it ‘til you make it), to love your body (remember how strong your body is, keep in mind where you’ve been, where you are and where your ultimate destination is – but please keep realistic expectations) and to enjoy life (because life is no fun when you’re glum).

Four years ago I was a very miserable person inside and out. I’d mask my pain but it was evident in my annoyance, my anger and my “I don’t give a shit” attitude.  Today, I smile a lot more, I’m happy and I work on me day in and day out.  This is a lifetime journey – both my weight loss journey and psychological journey. But keeping myself in check really makes things and the journey so much easier.  I wouldn’t change who I am today because I’ve grown so much over the last 3 years – emotionally, physically and psychologically.  I’m proud of myself today and most importantly I love myself today.

Weight Loss Gains

3+ years into this journey and it’s true I am physically smaller, I am literally half the girl I used to be, but with my weight loss I have gained SO much.  With this journey I have gained wisdom, self love, happiness, confidence, determination, motivation, control, understanding, patience, and an ability to inspire.  I’ve also gained the confidence to conquer my fear of public speaking by speaking at a Weight Watchers event, I’ve also gained the ability to accept a compliment AND give one in return.  I could go on and on for days as to what I’ve personally gained over the last 3+ years.

It’s amazing to me to think that by focusing on me and my health that so much in my life would change – and for the better.  Every day isn’t always easy, but it’s SO worth it.

I have so much to be thankful for.  I am happy (this is a big one because for a very long time I never knew what happiness was), I am healthy, I have energy to do things and all along I have been doing it for me! My niece and nephew will not grow up having their nearly 400 pound aunt sit on the couch and watch them play. They have an aunt who’s active in their life and will willingly get on the floor and play with them.  I have control over my life and my destiny and I love knowing that anything is possible if I want it bad enough and if I am willing to work for it.

Non-Scale Victory: Shannon Feels like a Rockstar!

I wanted to share a little non-scale victory.  My brother had a set wedding date for June 1^st so I had been looking for dresses online – having order after order shipped to my house and nothing was really a “yes” dress.  Sometimes I’m so used to the old style of dresses (where it covered me up).  At the beginning of my journey I wanted to be covered, boxy dresses and my staple oversized t-shirts that came down to mid-thigh, etc. I then started gravitating towards wrap dresses because they looked better.  Well, fast forward 2 years I found 2 maxi dresses that fit me like a glove and truly made me feel like a rockstar.  Needless to say, I purchased both.  The dress I wore the wedding is similar to this one pictured but its black and white stripped.  3 years ago I would have NEVER purchased either of these dressed – I’d have fawned over them but went home empty handed.  Today I have the ability to grab something off a rack and go to try it on.

I’ve lost 190.6 pounds which is actually MORE than what I currently weigh!  Someone I know saw the photograph and said it looks like I jumped out of myself in the “now” photo.  I may not be at my goal weight, but I’m trudging towards that. It’s taken me 3-years to get where I am today and I will reach that finish line and maybe when I do I’ll find myself an even MORE amazing leopard dress!

Weight Watchers Scale Superstitions!

This is one of the greatest (and funniest when you start talking to people about it) Weight Watchers superstitions – the scale.

I’m pretty sure we ALL have one scale we prefer.  There’s that feeling that if we don’t weigh-in n that particular scale all hells gonna break loose.  In reality, this isn’t true, but the power of the mind (or just superstitions) can make you think and/or believe anything.  We all have one receptionist or leader that we will wait for to weigh us – at my old meeting before it closed; I stuck with the scale to the left because Kim, the receptionist, weighed me in.  When Kim left the meeting, I stayed with the scale on the left – because lets face it that was MY weigh-in scale.  Occasionally I’d have to weigh-in on the scale on the right (because the person behind that scale wasn’t there) and it subconsciously threw my routine off.  Lets be honest – I’m going to weigh what I weigh regardless of the scale, but I don’t know maybe I just like the left side of things?

Some of us have a specific time we weigh in.  I can’t get that in tune with the time because when I am working I do travel in from outside of Boston, so traffic really puts a hold on my plans at times.  Typically I like to get to my meeting at least 30 minutes early.  Sometimes that time slips on into 45 minutes – but as I’ve said it kind of depends upon traffic, weather, etc.  So a time-frame doesn’t appeal to me BUT a day does … Thursdays.

For the past 3+ years Thursdays have been my day.  If you invite me to dinner on a Thursday, I’ll gladly accept as long as meeting up after 7pm is acceptable.  If it’s not, then we have to pick another day.  I’m a stickler for meetings.  I’ve been doing this 3+ years and I don’t like missing meetings.  I’ve probably missed 4 meetings my whole time “Weight Watchers career” and that because of either travel or a pre-scheduled plan (that was outside of my song and dance).  But I do make a point of finding a meeting either the day before, or day after, so I can at least weigh-in and hear that weeks topic.

Then there are some of us, like me, who have our “weigh in outfit”.  When I first started Weight Watchers my weigh-in outfit was a black pair of stretchty boot cut pants with a light weight t-shirt.  I wore that every single Thursday.  What I’ve learned as I was losing weight was that my weigh-in outfit had to change. My clothes were getting too big on me and it was unacceptable to go to work (because I go to my meeting after work) wearing attire that made me look uncoordinated.  So I upgraded!  New stretchy black pants and a new shirt.  My pants had this fancy little “belt loop” at the waist – well, one side broke.  But I couldn’t find another pair of pants similar to that.  So for about 6-months I wore a pair of pants that had a broken belt loop.  I kid you not – BUT at least my shirt was long enough to cover up the situation.  These days my weigh-in outfit is usually leggings and a very light weight t-shirt from Target.  You can’t get much lighter than that unless you were naked – and I’m not getting naked in a Weight Watchers location.  Sure there are days when it’s snowing, raining, sleeting and I’m like “Why am I wearing leggings?!” as I run from parking lot to Weight Watchers meeting location.

I’ve even developed this little superstition. I eat my lunch and I eat my snack, BUT I don’t eat or drink after 3 – sometimes 3:30.  I just can’t do it.   This is why I always come equipped to my Weight Watcher meeting with a snack and a drink because once I’m off that scale and back to my seat – I’m going to eat and I’m going to drink. One time I broke this rule and drank a soda around 4:30.  I weighed in and was up and I honestly asked the receptionist “How much does a can of soda weigh?” HAH!  I don’t think I had enough time to expel (if you will) the liquid.  So therefore, 3:30 at the latest is my cut-off time for consumption of food and beverage.

I also do this thing when I’m stepping on the scale; I kind of glance up towards the ceiling and hold my breath for a mere second. Oxygen doesn’t weigh anything, so why I do this I don’t know.  But at the end of the day – it’s absolutely hilarious.

I realize nothing I do, or the scale that I choose is going to alter my weigh-in results (well, outside of wearing a completely different outfit). But the mind is a powerful tool!  This is why I always say – THINK positive because it’ll bring POSITIVE results!

QUESTION:

Do you have a scale superstition?

Total NSV: Lose for Good

In 2010 I won my local Weight Watchers meetings Lose for Good challenge. It was a friendly competition to donate food for charity and to shed some pounds by incorporating activity into our lifestyles.  In the end, I won a t-shirt at the time.  Upon bringing it home realized it was a size Medium. Let me stress that, when I won this shirt a size medium was no where near my size - it was a distant hope.  I was still surfing the racks in the plus size section and trading clothes with family members.

I folded the t-shirt up and stuffed it in my drawer because I wasn’t going to throw it away.  I EARNED that shirt whether it fit me or not.

It's been tucked away for 2 years! I found it this morning while looking for something to wear in my drawer. I saw a nearly folded white shirt and thought "What is this?"  I pulled it out and saw it was my Weight Watchers shirt. For a moment, I put it back in the drawer.  Then I thought … for kicks let me put this on.

Guess what?

IT FITS AND IT'S A LITTLE BIG!!

Thanks, Weight Watchers! This girl is happier than a cucumber and I am STILL losing!